Probably should have written this at the time but i’m waiting for some pictures to export and thought i should do this before i forget
Last thursday (12th) I went with my friend Lucy to help out at an event for the Rainbows Trust in Hyde Park’s Hilton Hotel. When we were going there we thought we were just going to help sort out the venue by putting chairs and tables out etc however we soon discovered that we were actually going to be selling things and going round tables at the awards.
Lucy was bricking it and i fucking LOVED it.
We were selling crackers for £5 each all the money went to charity etc.
There were some people that were quite rude and didn’t want to buy crackers but i was like FINE i’ll go tell the ill children.  Most people were absolutely lovely though and i think i said to about 20 people that i’d try and fix the raffle so they’d win.

I then counted the money we’d made from the tables which came to the grand total of £3,000.01 WOW!
THEN i found 2 envelopes with credit card details on, 2 orders. One of the orders was for 800+ crackers the other was for 600+ crackers. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! That bought our total up to over £10,000!

I’d like to say that’s a job well done

I loved approaching people and helping at the event. Lucy has always said that i’m a very people person and i tend to get along with everyone but i’ve always disagreed because sometimes i can be quite shy but at the event i just thought well i have to approach them and just went for it.
You get such a buzz from it! It’s the same as performing!

OH THAT’S REMINDS ME:
December 5th, if you love me you’ll come see me in Footloose. Tickets are £13 so i expect none of you will come but you’re sucky friends then

ANYWAY.
I had decided before the event that i’m gunna go to uni! Before i’ve been quite undecided about what i’m going to do. I’ve finally decided that i want to do Events Management! It’s something i’m goood at!

Now i can pick between lots of different types of management. I’m considering a degree in (and it’s a long title) Music, Media and Events Management. I like this course because it includes photography, music and obv events

I’VE FOUND MY COURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSE
I’m sooso so so soo happy!

Have a happy day! x

I honestly can’t!

Last night i went to the chartjackers gig, which i’m not gunna lie i was bricking it. I normally turn up at gatherings already with people so it’s easier to just… slot in. However last night i sortof went alone, although i dragged Johnny to come meet me early which in all honesty turned out perfectly!

I’d taken along my camera so i could take some SCHNAAAAAAPS, one of the girls working on the chartjackers thing came up to me and asked me to take the photo’s for the gig on their camera. HELL YEAH. Although this presented itself with the difficulty of taking pictures with 2 camera’s and i’m not gunna lie most of my better ones were on their camera.. DAMN IT.
I loved it!

I got talking to sooo many people and everyone was so lovely, it was different to normal gatherings. Normally i go and i’m quiet and don’t talk to people much, to the extent that if you go through gathering photo’s/video’s you barely see me. But this time i was determined to be different. AND I WAS! Wayooooo! Not only did i get talking to strangers but i got talking to people i know but i’d never reallymade time for before, it was so nice!

Now i can’t stop smiling. Although i figure after editing about 10 pictures i’m gunna wanna kill someone and that smile will fade but i’m enjoying it while it lasts!

I honestly under-estimated how good last night would be. That was my mistake that i shall not make again

Much love!

p.s i shall put up a link to all the photo’s when i’m done and edited and made everyone look stunning

I’m contemplating setting up a new form of blog, seperate to this.

It’d be something where everyday i have to create something new whether it be a drawing, clothes, photograph etc etc. Something creative, something to get me doing things and being productive.

I’m always coming up with designs and stuff but i never have anywhere to put it. I don’t know what site i’d use though, i contemplated tumblr as it’s fast and does what i want it to do but i feel a little late to the band wagon

It would be completely seperate to this (I know people hate it when a person has more than 1 blog but it wouldn’t be the same thing as this, by that i mean it wouldn’t require effort to read ). That way people can see what i come up with and i have a way of showing people that i don’t bum around all day i do do things!

I wanted your thoughts please as to whether it would pee you off. What site you’d recommend to use. Or whether you just think i should keep my silly doodles to myself

Much love.

I’ve talked about it for ages and i’m going to do it now. I’ve given this blog a clean new look and i’ve decided NO MORE NEGATIVE. Well, i’ll try.
I like it this way.

Note: I didn’t mean for the next part to be so long and complicated. I’m just bad at putting my thoughts into writing! Summary at the bottom if you cba with it, i’ll understand!

I’ve decided this because whether you’ve noticed or not i haven’t been online for the previous week.  This is because the internet, for me used to be an escape, somewhere i’d go when i was arguing with my family or when i was upset and needed people. However lately i’ve found that the internet is the place i want to escape from. There’s no drama or anything like that but i’ve found myself too involved in other people’s situations. I get feelings for people i shouldn’t and i hate people that i know i actually love. It’s just not right!
I needed to prove to myself that my life can function without the internet, help me forget some things and people.

The other day i went on myspace, not something i’m used to doing as of late. I looked at my comments, the people i used to talk to. I used to talk to shit loads of bands and they’d message me saying i was welcome back stage to chill if i wanted and i never took up the offer because i didn’t have the confidence (despite what people thought). But now i feel i have this confidence but i don’t talk to bands and people like i used to. It’s a tough situation!

I hit a horrible low last week when i went for a job interview at Salon International and didn’t get it. It wasn’t that i didn’t get the job it was the brutality of it. They didn’t ask my name, it was judged purely on looks. Now i know i’m not the prettiest or the skinniest girl but to have someone use it against you is never a nice experience. I’ve always been judged on the way i look and it has become natural for me to accept this but this time it just hit me.  I pride myself on the fact that i’m not the conventional pretty and yes, i am plump around the edges but it’s what makes me me. It took this recent blow for me to get a kick start on saying “fuck em”.

I’m still being denied a job left right and center and yes it does severly bug me because i know that i can give 110% on something if i’m just given the chance.
I’ve never handed in a bog-standard peice of work because i just won’t let myself. I strive for the best and the fact that no ones giving me a chance to prove this annoys me.

To link back to my first point, i used to be a different person. I lived a different life. I was talking to a girl from my old school the other day and i told her that i just don’t know what i want to do anymore and she reminded me that i used to be this bubbly person that was good at everything.
I got a thinking, i have incredibly talented friends. Whether that be through intellectual things like maths and science, music, art, film etc.
I used to be good at what i did because there was never anyone there to challenge and since i’ve had these friends it’s been a knock because i’m no longer the girl with the amazing voice etc. I became a bog standard person. (Please note i don’t mean that to sound big headed but it’s like going from the top of your class to the bottom if ya get me?) I used to be able to write music and create things easily but these days everything seems crap in comparison. Everyone is able to show people their skills whether it be through yt or twitter or whatever but i feel like i can’t demonstrate my skills like that. People need to hear me sing properly, see me act on a stage or see my photographs to understand what i have to offer but alot of the people i want to notice neither care nor think it was a skill.

Did i just jabber on and not make sense? I think i did. Oh dear, not again. I’ll summarise:

1. I still have no job but i’m trying everywhere i can.
2. I’m working on my clothes, photography and music but getting no where, still trying though! A helping hand would be nice but i don’t know whether i want that hand :S.
3. I’m going to be positive from now on.
4. I’m going back to the person i was, the chatty bubbly person i was.
5. I’m going to find what I excell at if that’s the last thing i do. I’m going to show it off and YOU’LL DAMN WELL ENJOY IT!

Much Love! Sophie x

P.s I miss malta! Been going through the photo’s and it was honestly so perfect and i didn’t appreciate it as much as i should have!

My parents being a big example. I suppose it’s the same for most.

I’m not going to be a liar and say my parents aren’t absolutely wonderful at times. They buy me nice things and every now and then we play happy families but in between those times life at home is unbearable.

I try and be usefull around the house, considering i’m now not a student or employed i don’t really have anything else to do so i keep things tidy.  I the washing, ironing, cleaning etc etc. I make sure everyday that the house is tidy for when my mum gets home from work because if it’s not she gets in a right foul mood. Occassionally i’ll forget things, get things wrong etc but that’s natural! I can’t remember every little thing that needs doing. I do everything that needs to be done for myself, myself. I try not and put extra work on anyone and i like it that way because it makes me feel quite independant.

My parents returned home from their weekend holiday to Devon today and within 10 minutes i was being shouted at. For things i wasn’t even home to do! Literally as i speak my mothers walking around the house finding faults.

The thing is, when i have people over they act completely different to how i present them. They don’t shout, get mad or threaten me like they do when i’m alone.  Recently when i had Ian over my mum had a go at me a few times but she always made sure Ian was out of ear shot. It’s so infuriating that i complain about my parents but i feel like i’m lying to people because they never see what i’m complaining about. They just see my lovely parents who buy me things.

It’s a little too infuriating for my liking. I’m not a liar, i hate liar’s but i feel like that’s the image i give off. I hope i don’t because i’ll be very upset if i do.

On another note, Summer in the city. I miss you already <3
I can’t wait to get back on the motorway.

That blogpost was rather disjointed. I’ve never been good at sticking to saying only one thing, my brain just keeps going from one point to the next without connecting it. Sorry.

Things bugger up again.

The girls i went on holiday with don’t know this, infact nobody knows this. This should be interesting.

Before i went on holiday Dave and Johnny came to stay at my house for a few nights. On a friday night i had rehearsals till late so i suggested they stay in london for a while and i’ll meet them after.
After the rehearsals i headed off to the train station not knowing what i was gunna do, whether i was gunna go to london or just.. wait or go home, WHO KNEW.  I got to the station parked the car and went to the platform, i hadn’t quite decided whether i was going to go to london or not so i stood on the bridge. I’d also noticed a man at the bottom of the stairs drinking and thought it best to stay away.

So there i was on the bridge, texting Dave to see what he was doing and just relaxing. The man walks up the stairs and starts talking to me. Now i don’t object to this, it’s very common that people talk to other people. So i replied and we slowly got into conversation (well, barely a conversation he just kept repeating the same questions over and over again. Safe to say he’d drunk alot). He kept asking my name, where i lived, where i was going etc. I told him i hadn’t decided if i was going into london or not. Asked him what he was doing, to which he replied he was going to his ex-girlfriends in Epsom. His train came and i told him to go for it otherwise he’d have to wait another 20 minutes for the next one. He didn’t leave.
He started looking me up and down and saying i looked great which i didn’t mind, afterall it’s always nice to recieve a compliment.
I started getting anxious when he kept leaning in, so i started texting people. I text lex n asked her (who was with Ian at the time) to ring me i wanted to know where they were so that if they were driving around they’d drive to the station. No reply.
Then the man started going on about that i hadn’t asked him for his number yet, so i proceeded to tell him i had a boyfriend in the hope that he’d leave. He didn’t.

Even after telling him i had a boyfriend he still proceeded to chat me up. Then he went too far and started touching me up. At first it was just a little touch of the waste and i told him to stop. Then he started putting his hand up my skirt and going in for a kiss. I pushed him away and told him to stop. Luckily Dave rang just as he went to try his luck again so i wondered off.
However when i was on the phone to Dave he came up to me again and started on me again. This time i told him to stop touching me and leave me alone. He asked why i was so aggressive so i told him my boyfriend was on the phone.  After that he backed away and walked away. I finished on the phone and ran back to the platform and got on the next train that came.

The worst thing is as all that was happening there were other people on the platform and this man walked past me and the guy on the bridge. I gave him a look that i thought asked for help and he just carried on. While this man was touching me up the people on the platform did nothing, most likely presuming me a slut or something.

Although when i met with Dave and Johnny i seemed fine i can honestly say that was one of the scariest moments of my life. I didn’t know what was gunna happen, i felt out of control. Normally i can handle things like that but i was tired and didn’t have any strength. It still bothers me. All the time.

Which leads onto my main point, Magaluf. I went on holiday with 3 other girls Jade, Ellie and Steph to Magaluf. I thought it’d be amazing etc etc. But everytime a guy touched me i flinched. Just the image of the man from the platform playing through my mind. My confidence was totally gone. Steph kept going on about these guys looking me up, clearly interested but i just couldn’t bare the thought of someone touching me. My holiday was partly ruined the moment i realised that.

Friday night i went out with Sally, Pete, Alex, Billy and Jack for a night out. I’d found my confidence back. The moment i was with Pete i was comfortable again he could put his hand on my waist and i didn’t jump a mile. The night turned out so perfectly with Pete practically begging his sister (Sally) to give him my number because i didn’t

Now i just realised how much of a fool i am for believing everything Pete said. The lines he spun were pure cheese but it made me feel good, feel confident again.  And it’s all just gone crashing down but the hit of realisation the Minish was right. Pete’s a prick and always will be, yet i can’t help hoping that something he said was true.

I don’t know. Sorry.

I also have Dave’s voice in my head still saying to tell the man he’d beat him up.

I feel like my mind is stuck in reverse when i want to be going forward.

Because i’m not at college or taking exams, or working or anything like that i don’t have things to keep me occupied. Which is strange for me as i like to keep busy (despite how much i don’t get done). I’ve got all this spare time to fill and i’m not sure what with.

I find myself just thinking. I don’t even focus on one thing at a time.
I’ll think of something which’ll lead me onto something else.. and then that spurs on something else.

Lately my brain keeps going through everything i’ve done, the choices i’ve made. And it keeps finding the bad things, the bad choices. It’s horrible.
In my dreams i watch my life hopelessly knowing what i’m about to do is wrong. How typical is that, nothing seems to go right anymore, even in my dreams.

Despite what people think i’m not the most confident person in the world. I’m good with people i know but in big crowds i hate it. I’m intimidated by people and in alot of cases, their confidence. I don’t have confidence in anything i do anymore.

Lately i’ve started getting more comfortable with my everyday friends.
I went out for dinner with my YTW mates and had a laugh, i finally feel like a proper drama person with them but now they’re talking of cancelling the show and perhaps stopping the theatre group because we get young twatish kids who come for jokes and speak to boringly it’d put you to sleep.
Friday night i went out with people i always go out with but i’d never been able to properly joke with them before, i always felt as if i was the new kid at school. I’m finally getting happy and something’ll interupt it. I found out some stuff from my mate Sally the other night i sorta wish i hadn’t because it just keeps playing over and over again in my mind.

Martin Luther King said “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” For me this is relevant, for you maybe not.

For too long i’ve been quiet about things i care about, things that should be said but didn’t wanna say it incase i upset someone. Things i didn’t do because i’d be afraid of what would happen afterwards. These things have just been playing over and over and over and over again and it’s starting to upset me alot.

I need a break, from everyone and everything. Especially from online because alot of my world now revolves around it and everytime i see or speak to certain people i get angry or upset. I don’t know what i’m going to do.

I’m sorry this was long and skipped from one point to another.  You can go now.

Last night i was in bed thinking about when i have people to stay.

Whenever i have people over my parents go “well where will they sleep” so i say in the double bed obvs. I remember when Dave n Ian came to stay, my mum was like “are they alright sharing a bed?”, i was like.. i don’t think they particularly care. My parents find it wierd when two guys share a bed BUT when i suggest a girl and guy stay in a bed my mum says “are they going out?” I say no so she says well they can’t share a bed then. WHAT!? This completely baffled me. Why can’t they share a bed i doubt they’ll be having rampant sex through the night. And let me tell you mother, it doesn’t have to be night time and you don’t have to be in a bed to have sex. Fool.

It also occured to me that i’m alot more comfortable sharing a bed with a guy then a girl, even a double bed. The only girls i’ve ever been comfortable sharing a bed with is Sinead and Kylie one of my cousins. Not even her twin sister.
I can’t explain why it’s like, if you accidently touch a girls leg with your foot or something silly, it suddenly gets freakishly tense. Like oh shit. What do i do? So i say sorry? Do i just leave it? But with a guy i’m like Ooooooooooooooooooooooh hi there. In a jokey way.

I can’t remember my point.

Damn.

The Kooks – Seaside just came on my itunes shuffle.

This sparked a memory of mine, it goes as follows.
In year 11, maths GCSE we spent alot of our time in computer rooms attempting to learn through the computer. During silent study time we were allowed to listen to music, all of the sudden the kooks came on. So in my bored state i wrote on the wall “Would you like to go to the seaside?”.
I came back next lesson and someone has replied with “Yes please but let’s get ice cream!”
So i replied “99?”
Answer: “With a flake, obviously.”
The conversation went on and on taking up the whole window wall that it was on, not very big window wall i should point out otherwise teachers would have noticed.

I never found out who it was and i never will. That’s the beauty of it, i don’t need to know.

I love these memories <3

I noticed something as i was taking off my jewellry tonight for the shower.

I have certain places for things.. (bare with me a minute)
I’ll explain, you see i’m right handed therefore i have a tendancy to look at my right hand/arm more often, this also explains why when i used to wear a watch i’d wear it on my right arm not my left. I’ve found that without intending to but every bracelet or something along those lines that i’m given that’s of any importance to me i automatically put on my right arm.
These can be things that other people have given to me or strike a specific memory for me.
My left arm is apparently used for things i find and just put on my wrist for good times.

I think i do this because i look at my right arm more, therefore i see the bracelets more and they make me happy everytime i see them, which makes me more positive with whatever i’m doing. =]
For example on my right arm i have 2 bracelet’s from two seperate amazing holidays. A shag band from Jade and one from tino. Dave’s leather thing.. which i don’t think he knows i have. .. shit. I did ask him for it and he said ok but i can’t remember whether we were drunk or not at the time. He can have it back if he wants but i like it And finally a strap from an old expensive watch my mum gave me (but the watch broke). That’s quite nice collection there

So if you ever give me a bracelet or something i’ll put on my wrists, watch what wrist i put it on. It’ll give you an indication to how important you are to me. Or how long i intend it to be on my arm.